I’m so MAD

Emerson definitely has her own personality now and it is so fun to watch and see her express herself. Lately, she will come up to you with this really sweet mad face and say, “Grr I’m so mad!” IT is so hard not to look at her and laugh because she looks nothing like angry, but nevertheless she wants to be acknowledged as mad and asked why she is so mad.

Tuesday I myself walked around so mad. I did not have the cuteness on my face as she did and I could not shake the terrible feeling of anger all day. You see some of our dear friends took in a precious 6 day baby boy this summer and on Tuesday he was taken away from them. I prayed for a different outcome. I begged God to leave him be and let him grow in a home where we KNEW he would be loved, cared for and prayed over. But every time I prayed or attempted to bargain with God (if you let him stay I will….) I felt my God preparing me for the outcome that I hated to see.

I was mad!

We prayed over this sweet baby and family Sunday, and honestly never stopped praying for him or his “parents” since the hot day this summer but when Tuesday came I feel God was telling me it wasn’t going to end the way everyone wanted it to, and that we were going to have to be okay with that because he was in control.

I WAS MAD!

Sunday one of my sweet dear friends just so happen to have a book in her possession that she was suppose to return, but instead gave it to me to read. I read, I mean I devoured that book in less than 24 hours and if you have ever read Kisses from Katie you know the story of a young women who gave up her life to live in Uganda and care for orphans whom she soon adopted as her own. Deep in the pages of that book one of her own was taken from her, because of a tragic story, but nonetheless I felt like God was preparing me for this story. My friends story. But not just to leave it as their story but as OUR story. Because as their friends, we are their family and their story becomes ours and visa versa.

I WAS SO MAD!

I begged God to make it different, I pleaded that he change the outcome that I knew it my heart would not be the pleasant one for all of us who have come to love that sweet baby. Each time I begged I felt God softening my heart and telling me he is in control and his will be done. The anger didn’t stop. I yelled all the reasons why this should not be happening, I even rallied my friends in who didn’t know of the situation to take a vote and judge why this should not be the outcome.

I WAS MAD!

On Tuesday about 4:30 I got the phone call….I WAS SO MAD! That sweet angel had to leave his “mommy and daddy” and go home with his dad. I told God you don’t have this one, you could have changed the outcome, you  made a sea open up, you’ve healed, you’ve calmed the sea, you could have changed this…..but YOU did not. Why I will never know, and yes I am still so mad. I am sure if you are still reading you are expecting me to have a change of heart, and yet I know I should but I can’t, not right now. I don’t understand this situation and that causes me to be angry, to be disappointed, to be MAD!

Sweet friends please know we love you, we pray for you, we are in this with you and we will NEVER stop praying for that sweet baby! When you miss him too, when moments don’t feel the same without him, it is ok, to be MAD! Healing will come. But in my heart I know it is okay to be MAD because I know that means I have enough of a relationship with HIM to have feelings, even if the feelings are intense.